It was the most painful moment of my life, when my mother died in my arms. She had become alright and suddenly she died. Just like Dad. Her blood had become septic. It was very painful. The first time I prayed to God was when she lay dying. I never prayed, that's the kind of family we were. A Muslim family that never forced you to pray. And it was the first time, I really prayed, but she died all the same.

I imbibed my basic values from her, learned a number of things from my mother. Like never cut down on your expenditure, increase your income. That's why I'm a spendthrift. Never acquire or want anything that has a bad feeling in it. In Urdu it is called manhoosiyat. Like if you ask someone for money and he says, "nahin yaar kal de dunga," just forget it. That's the reason why I still have not touched my mother's money. Because I know she would not want it that way. I only took a television set she had given me last when I came to Bombay. My property, my business, my cars, everything is still in Delhi. I haven't taken anything because if she's not there to give it to me, I don't want it. And she'll be happy if I don't take them and instead get the all on my own. She also taught me not to hurt anyone. Like I said she would slap people if she got angry with them, but she would love them at the same time. Neither she nor my father have ever hit me. They were very gentle people. My mother behaved like a true friend, when I told her I wanted to marry Gauri. Is she Muslim or Chinese? Nothing was asked.

My mother taught me how to act, some really sweet expressions. But what's most important, she has given me my present philosophy of life. She has taught me that nothing is permanent, including herself. So, enjoy what you have this moment, for it can be taken away from you the next. Everything is transient. That is why I don't give a damn to anything. It's a very macho way of putting it. But the whole rationale is that if she could be taken away from me, then everything else can be taken away also.

If I can leave with her absence then I can live with the absence of stardom, money or anything. And that is the closest you can come to being contended, you die.

People say the only cure for life is death. May be at that moment, that one second, when all thoughts of worry leave your mind, you die. I kept giving my mother a lot of worry, so she couldn't die. I kept pleading, "please don't go".

I still believe she's there and she looks over me. Otherwise I would not have had all that I have. She is my STD to God because there is nothing in this world that I want and I don't get. I don't ask for anything for myself because she wouldn't like it. But whenever I have to pray for someone who is poor, unwell or sad, I just tell my mother and I'm sure she does something because most of the time something good works out. Whenever I'm very happy I cry, because I can't share my happiness with her.

My sister Shehnaz is very naïve and sweet. She is also very spoilt and pampered. I love her a lot. I've grown in her shadow, as she was the older child in the house. I'd look up to her. She is very quite now, after my parents demise. She stays with me. She is an educated girl. She has done a management course; she used to work as an officer for the Indira Gandhi memorial. She has also done her MBA in psychology. She was extremely affected by our father's death. I was younger, so I think I got over Dad's death sooner. By the time she accepted our Dad's absence, our mother died. She went through a bad phase. She is my only connection to my parents. I see my father and mother in her. I keep telling Shehnaz, "you are just like mummy". Even she has her fits of anger. My mother still remains with me and my mother always taught me to work, she said, "it will help to tide you over anything". I retained that. As for my sister, before she could pick up this invaluable lesson, our mother expired. So she got very clammed. She was an outgoing girl before, now she has become very quite and silent. I still look up to her.

My one regret is that my mother never really saw my work as an actor. She wasn't there when I won my first award. No, but she must have seen it. I miss her a lot. I think she is a star. Whenever I feel too sad, I just go to the terrace and cry. And I know she is watching me from somewhere. Because I wouldn't be what I am, had it not been for her blessings.